WHAT IS LOVE?
When I was younger, I assumed that by adulthood, I’d have love all figured out. Love was about the big moments. Deep conversations, grand gestures, maybe even a well-timed, dramatic speech in the rain (you can blame the movies for that one). But a conversation with a respected Sikh elder shattered my early adolescent hubris. “Love isn’t an emotion”, they casually explained, “It’s the absence of ego, anger, attachment, jealousy, and single-mindedness.” I nodded like I understood, but inside? Full panic.
Wait, if love is an absence, then that means no feelings? No drama? What’s left? And does this mean I can’t get annoyed when my sister eats the last slice of pizza? I mulled the idea over the next few days, conducting a silent audit of all my relationships – parents, friends and even my pizza-stealing siblings. Was I loving as selflessly as I should? Spoiler alert: absolutely not.
I decided to do an experiment. I would let my friend choose the film we would see at the cinema, despite knowing they would pick something terrible. I congratulated myself as we picked up popcorn and fizzy drinks – look at me, loving without control! Unfortunately, it took about 20 minutes before I caught myself silently resenting the whole affair. My experiment produced data I hadn’t expected.
But then I began to laugh – not just at the bad acting on screen – but at myself. Here I was, trying to prove how selfless I could be, and I’d turned it into a competition with myself. And when I got out of my own head, my own ego, I noticed my friend laughing with me. That’s what really felt special: hanging out, laughing together.
For me, that lesson flipped everything on its head: love isn’t about getting something – it’s about removing what gets in the way. As an adult, the pressure to have it all figured out – through podcasts, self-help books, or influencers – can feel overwhelming. But in reality, we’re all just fumbling through it.
And if that’s the case, I still have a lot of unlearning to do.
Other Moments of Pause